Some of you (I hope!) may have noticed that I have been neglecting my blog. November is always a hard month for me emotionally, and this year was no exception.
In November of 2000, I lost my uncle in a car accident, and my high school graduating class lost one of its well-loved members to suicide. All loss is devastating, and my teenage self struggled to cope with the fleeting nature of life. Although I wasn’t particularly close to either of those people, it is the first time I recall my pseudo-adult self feeling the profound sense of loss that comes from being a sympathetic person – I saw that other people were heartbroken and it in turn affected me deeply.
It’s understandable, then, that I was wary about the following November. It turned out, as a matter of fact, that November of 2001 would hold what I consider a defining moment in my life. On November 5, I broke my neck in a car accident. It’s a story that I’ve told so often I feel like it’s all one sentence: “I broke my neck in a car accident fractured C1-C2 they didn’t notice iron halo three months college freshman halo didn’t work surgery to fuse the vertebrae neck brace lucky to be alive yes I’m a miracle its AMAZING I’m fine now.”
When you repeat something over and over again like that, it starts to lose significance. When you experience something as an eighteen year old, you don’t understand its significance. For these reasons, I feel like I didn’t start to realize what I could have lost, or what I had actually lost, until each subsequent November when I would reflect on it.
There have been wonderful Novembers. The 2008 election; my 2011 honeymoon. I realize it sounds superficial to put them side by side, but isn’t a blog about my life inherently superficial, and thus immune to such judgment? It should be. This November, I was too distracted by most recent loss to contemplate my past losses, which was a blessing and a curse.
I have entire novels inside of me that are dying to come pouring out, relating to loss and my life and November, but I find too much navel-gazing at once to be uncomfortable and I always fear the reader will become bored with my reflections. Some day I’ll get the heavy stuff out in pages, instead of a few scattered thoughts at a time – maybe when the boys are older. Right now, I feel like I have been lurking in the shadows of melancholy, and the onset of December has inspired me once again – as it does yearly – to snap out of it. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, after all.
On that note, I’ve decided to do a Daily December blog post photo challenge. I realize I’m a day behind, and the posts might not always be on the right days, but bear with me. I hope that by sharing some holiday spirit and silliness, I’ll be inspired to feel lighter.